Personality Disorders: A Metaphor

I grew up in a desert with red sand dunes and real tumble weeds. Kangaroos and emus were commonplace. I used to take great delight in overturning old rocks and lifting fallen tree branches in search of scorpions and lizards. Some of the most poisonous snakes in the world were offered up as macabre gifts on our porch from our beloved cat.

Whereas I was never afraid of snakes as a child, I was taught to have the utmost respect for these amazing creatures because they could end my life in a matter of minutes. A snake has every right to be on this planet as I do, but unlike me, their behaviour is entirely instinctual and geared toward survival. They cannot be tamed or reasoned with. I knew that if curiosity ever got the better of me and I attempted to handle a snake I would have their fangs pressed into my flesh and venom would be injected into my bloodstream, ending my life all too soon.

There are millions of people on this planet that look no different to you and I, but they operate more similarly to a snake than does the average human being. They slide their way into our lives as venomous creatures, hell bent on survival and gratifying their own needs with no regard for anyone else. Such people have the ability to destroy us if we allow ourselves to get too close to them. We may choose not to see them as snakes and perhaps perceive them as less harmful entities that deserve pity because they are so despised. Then one day this person sinks their fangs into your flesh, pumping venom into your wound, and you can no longer subscribe to the illusion that they are a more heavenly creature. Finally you see them just as they are…just as they have always been…a snake.

Below is a story a good friend relayed to me when discussing the various attempts she has made to have a relationship with her personality disordered mother. We only get one mother and my friend would desperately love to have a real and loving relationship with the woman who brought her into this world. But alas…each time she instigates contact with her mother she is left feeling devalued and angry at herself for believing that if she changed her approach with her mother that they might have a connection. The truth is that her mother is a snake…she lacks compassion, has no empathy and no desire to be any different. She is who she is. No one can change her because she sees no reason to change. My friend has had to estrange herself from her mother for her own sanity. I do not blame her. I think she has made a very good decision to stay away from her damaging, apathetic mother.

Here is the story…

The Indian and the Snake

Many years ago, Indian youths would go away in solitude to prepare for manhood. One such youth hiked into a beautiful valley, green with trees, bright with flowers. There he fasted. But on the third day, as he looked up at the surrounding mountains, he noticed one tall rugged peak, capped with dazzling snow. I will test myself against that mountain, he thought. He put on his buffalo-hide shirt, threw his blanket over his shoulders and set off to climb the peak. When he reached the top he stood on the rim of the world.

He could see forever, and his heart swelled with pride. Then he heard a rustle at his feet, and looking down, he saw a snake. Before he could move, the snake spoke.

“I am about to die,” said the snake. “It is too cold for me up here and I am freezing. There is no food and I am starving. Put me under your shirt and take me down to the valley.”

“No,” said the youth. “I am forewarned. I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you will bite, and your bite will kill me.”

“Not so,” said the snake. “I will treat you differently. If you do this for me, you will be special. I will not harm you.”

The youth resisted awhile, but this was a very persuasive snake with beautiful markings. At last the youth tucked it under his shirt and carried it down to the valley. There he laid it gently on the grass, when suddenly the snake coiled, rattled, and leapt, biting him on the leg.

“But you promised…” cried the youth.

“You knew what I was when you picked me up.” said the snake as it slithered away. (Click here for original story)

Personality disordered individuals make up somewhere between 10-20% of the general population (perhaps more). It’s clear from these figures that such people will continue to be a part of our lives whether we like it or not. Whereas there are many treatments available to treat the various personality disorders (PDs), many people will go to their graves with their personality disorder, never truly knowing how many lives they damaged along the way. Many personality disordered individuals lack insight into their illness and will never be diagnosed or receive treatment…such people will remain snakes. They will not change without ongoing therapy.

It is easy to take pity on people with PDs when they discuss their childhood like it’s an audition for the role of victim. I’m not sure why we condescend to people with PDs in this way. Most people with PDs don’t have insight into their disorder, nor do they see any need to change. However, they may want you to change and they probably do not care that their behaviour is damaging you…without therapy it is unlikely they will ever change or become compassionate toward you. Instead, they will continue to act as snakes. No clever rehearsed speech will get them to transform into a puppy.

All personality disordered individuals have developed the most rigid ego defences to guard against insight building discussions. It is too much for many PDs to admit their problems are bigger than they think and they are not ready or willing to begin facing the worst parts of themselves.

All people have the ability to change, but not many have the insight or good judgment to actually make change occur.

Remember that there are multitudes of snakes amongst us. If you pity them you are likely to be bitten.

Remember to treat all people in the same manner I was taught to deal with snakes…with the utmost respect…especially people with personality disorders. Do not harm them. Do not pity them.

My advice is to limit how close you get to people with personality disorders and how much of yourself you invest in the relationship. A healthy amount of fear might just keep you safe. Take heed to what your instincts (not needs or desires) are telling you to do.

And remember, snakes don’t just stop sliding on their bellies because you haven’t seen them for a while or because you are willing to give them another chance. Love will not change the snake either…only therapy can bring about such a lasting transformation.