16 Things to Look For in a Friend (or Partner)

Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant ~ Socrates

I adore my friends! If you are one of them, then you would already know how much you mean to me. I can’t take for granted their kindness and support they give me, or how they give it so freely.

Friends truly are the family you get to choose. I have been blessed to have had so many wonderful friends over the years. I’ve also had a few that I would have been better off never meeting because they have been so damaging. None have been so damaging as the person I refer to in this blog as my ‘ex-friend’ the chameleon and cruel deceptor.

I want to share with you what I have learnt about what makes a true friend. Please read this with a flexible mind and allow yourself to be truthful about how some of the people you currently refer to as ‘friends’ could be snakes that will eventually bite you.

Here are the things I admire in my closest friends:

1. Loyalty: You really want a friend who has the loyalty of a dog…someone who will be there for you through thick and thin. They would never denigrate you when you’re not around, or throw away your friendship like yesterday’s news. They don’t care what you look like and they genuinely love you for who you are, not what you can offer them.

The counsellor, Mary, that I went to see a few times last year asked me, “Can a friend ever really become ‘not a friend?'”. She made a good point. Someone who is a real friend will continue to love you…even when they get frustrated with you. They will always stand by you.

2. Integrity: A friend who is an honest and steadfast person who can experience the full range of emotions, but doesn’t change to impress whomever might be around. To have integrity, an individual must possess values, a moral code and a personal set of ethics. A person who has integrity doesn’t do the ‘right thing’ because people are watching, they do what they believe to be right regardless. Having integrity is not about keeping up appearances.

If a friend does not possess integrity, you cannot trust them. If you are not already aware of the potential a person who lacks integrity has to negatively influence your life, just stick around. They will eventually hurt you too.

3. Emotional maturity: We develop emotional maturity when we are in touch with our own emotional pain. Even though life isn’t always easy, and we have all had such different experiences of life, all humans (except maybe psychopaths) share a common understanding of what it is like to feel the whole spectrum of emotions. We can all relate to feeling sad, angry, lonely, jealous, guilty, remorseful, shocked , fearful and joyous to name a few.

Many people are not in touch with their own suffering and emotional pain because they choose to suppress it with drugs or alcohol, gambling, gaming, pornography or any other addiction. Many people also use the ego defence mechanisms of denial, projection and blame because they lack the maturity to feel or perhaps integrate their imperfection into their illusory perception of themselves (as is the case often with people who have OCPD, NPD, ASPD and BPD).

When we are in touch with our own pain we have a lived experience of what it is like and how horrible it can be that we do not want to induce such a feeling in others, nor can we stand idly by and watch another suffer. Because of this, emotionally mature people feel compelled to relieve the suffering of others…not contribute to it…this is what we refer to as compassion.

A person who is emotionally mature accepts responsibility for their actions and can admit when they are wrong. They do not blame, nor do they make excuses for their mistakes. They can accept criticism and are mortified if they have hurt someone unintentionally. Emotionally mature people have good interpersonal boundaries at home, in the office and in their social life.

4. Respectful: A true friend will love you for who you are, not because of some superficial coincidence, such as a similar taste in music or being members of the same church. No person on this planet can legitimately claim that they love you if they do not respect you. We are all born to different families in different cultures, with different experiences and values. A friend should never have to agree with everything you think, say or do…but they need to respect your feelings, beliefs, values, goals, ideas, plans, history, race, gender and sexuality.

My recent ‘ex-friend’ with OCPD could never accept my emotions or opinions if she could not relate to them in any way. She would sometimes get angry with me if I felt a certain way, especially if her words or behaviour had influenced me to feel hurt. If I had different opinions than her, then she would get frustrated with me and call me, “opinionated” and “stubborn”. I’d never had a friend that would get mad with me for having my own opinion. I always respected her opinion even if it differed from mine. My ego never got in the way of me respecting her unique ideas. I learnt that it was better to hide my opinions because she had once directly told me that she did not like hearing my opinions. She would still often ask me for my opinions, but most of the time I chose to deny that I had any personal views for fear of her criticism, rejection or disapproval.

Oddly enough, she thought that if she showed me understanding, her validation would mean that she agreed with me. Not so. I found it incredibly frustrating to explain to her why I felt a particular way, going to lengths to explain/justify my experiences or beliefs that had influenced my emotional state. Needless to say, I could tell that my ex-friend was egocentric and lacked respect and empathy. If you have a friend who is ever like this, then know that they are not a true friend.

Love does not exist in isolation. To be true, it must be accompanied by respect.

5. Thoughtful and Kind: We all need to feel special. When people remember us on our birthdays, sad anniversaries, graduations, Christmas, New Year, when we’re sick, when we’re promoted, when our beloved animals die and so on, we feel their love and it helps us to recognise that we are worthwhile. Some friends can make us feel the opposite of special when they forget us or are purposefully cruel. You deserve to feel important and to receive kindness from your loved ones, including friends!

Last week it was my birthday. My friends and family gave me thoughtful presents, touching cards, creative sms messages, and phone calls. Even my colleagues wished me well and were interested to hear how I spent my birthday (because I had the day off work). Friends attended my birthday celebrations throughout the day and were very kind to me. I felt special and appreciated…which is a nice feeling 🙂

6. Someone who is there for you through the good times and the bad: This is fairly self-explanatory. If someone is only interested in being your friend when everything is fine, then they are not really a friend. If a good friend abandons you because you are going through a rough patch, then they have done you a favour. They are a waste of your time. They were only ever using you. You really do find out who your friends are when the going gets tough.

A lot of people with personality disorders find it very difficult to manage stress and may even blame you for being “negative” or “stressful” to be around when your life is not perfect. Sometimes people with OCPD will abandon you if they perceive you as contributing to their stress levels. In other words, when the going gets tough in your life, some of your ‘friends’ will kick you to the curb, even if you have a history of positivity and happiness.

Over the years, just knowing that my friends are there for me is enough. In October 2012, I was going through utter hell after being rejected my my ‘ex-friend’. Another friend brought me a zombie movie over, candy, chocolate and Valium to show that she cared about me through a very difficult time. Other friends listened to me, organised counselling for me and offered their homes to me. A true friend is always there for you no matter what because they love you for you…not for how perfect or positive our life is.

7. Someone who possesses mental flexibility: People who are intrinsically rigid minded are very ‘black and white’ thinkers and do not make for very good friends or partners. People who are rigid minded can find it difficult to understand that good people can do ‘bad’ things and make mistakes once in while without becoming a ‘bad person’. No one will ever have empathy for you if they do not possess flexibility of mind.

8. They understand you and accept you for who you are: I found a quote by Jim Morrison that says, “A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself”. There is no greater freedom that we can afford ourself than to be true to ourselves. There is no greater freedom that we can afford others than accept them for who they are. Acceptance is an amazingly beautiful thing.

My ex-friend was always suspicious when anyone was kind. She really believed that people would only be kind to her because they wanted something in return. She found it extremely difficult to understand that I only wanted to help her because I wanted to relieve her burdens. She eventually believed that every act of kindness I had ever sent her way was because I had an “agenda”. I tried to explain that I was only ever kind to anyone because I cared. At the time, her suspicions of me truly broke my heart. I knew my reasons for being kind…as confusing as this has been for me, I have come to accept that my ex-friend never actually saw who I was…she never knew me…she didn’t believe me when I told her that I was kind to her and others because I care…she never saw me as a kind person. She thought I was manipulative and that I wanted to make her “dependent” on me. My ‘ex-friend’ eventually ended the friendship because she saw me as a monster who wanted to harm her. If a ‘friend’ has been given enough opportunities to see your true character, but still cannot see who you are inside, then they do not genuinely accept you.

Personality disordered people have iron-clad ego defence mechanisms and unique brain neurophysiology that predispose them to thinking very differently than the average person. They will never truly understand you or think like you. In fact, during periods of extreme stress, they may treat you like someone they do not know at all. Such people may firmly believe that they know you, even when you get the distinct impression that they are way off mark.

Furthermore, anyone who tries to change or control you does not accept you for who you are. They undermine your ability to make good choices for yourself and influence you to feel unworthy of their time and attention. Anyone who makes you feel like this is not worth the effort. Surround yourself with good people who are occupied with reflecting on their own behaviour and personality rather than criticising others. There will always be people who do not accept us the way we are…my advice is to avoid friendships with such people.

9. You can trust them and they trust you: If a person is routinely suspicious of others’ kindnesses, then there is something amiss with them. Perhaps they do not believe that trustworthy people exist, because they cannot be trusted? If you have always been trustworthy to a friend, maybe their inability to trust says more about them than you.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship…without this, you’re screwed! It is an awful feeling not to be trusted by someone whose only reason to distrust you is their own insecurities. Nothing you do or say will ultimately influence them to trust you. Not being believed and having ulterior motives attributed to your every action can have a detrimental impact on your self-esteem.

If you get a gut feeling that you cannot trust a particular friend when you otherwise have a trusting relationships with other people, ask yourself why you feel like this. Don’t turn a blind eye to your instincts. Listen if what they say and do is congruent. Do they contradict themselves frequently? Are they hypocritical? Do they criticise people, including other friends and family members, behind their backs frequently? Are they honest in all their dealings with other people? Do they ever justify being dishonest in certain circumstances?

And here’s the big tell-all question about trust…do you trust this friend more with your bank card than your emotions? If so, then you clearly cannot trust this individual with the important stuff…in other words, you do not trust them with you. A friendship with such an individual will come to a nasty end eventually.

10. You feel you can tell them anything without fear of judgment or abandonment: Again, this is self-explanatory. If you feel that you are walking on eggshells, then you are unable to be yourself in this relationship for fear that ‘something bad may happen’. Do not allow yourself to be held emotionally ransom.

Even the best relationships will require renegotiation of boundaries or discussion to resolve any conflict or hurt feelings that have occurred in the relationship. If you feel hurt by something your friend (or partner) has done and are fearful that if you discuss it with them they may criticise your feelings or threaten to abandon you, then such an individual has major psychological problems. No matter how good your communication or conflict resolution skills are, you will never be able to resolve problems with this person. You can choose to suppress your hurt and allow your boundaries to be violated or you can choose to be real about the limitations of this friendship and move on. Your welfare is essentially up to you.

11. Has insight, will admit when they’re wrong and apologise: Even a broken clock (an analogue clock for the purpose of this analogy) is right twice a day. If you find that a friend criticises you, but never apologises when they make mistakes or influence you to feel hurt (whether it is intentional or not), then understand this: they will always put their ego and pride above you.

In the same way that it is not possible for anyone to be wrong all the time (as in the clock anology), then the opposite is also true: no one is right all the time either. We all make mistakes and need to exercise humility to acknowledge this fact. Many people with personality disorders have not developed the emotional maturity to manage feelings of guilt and remorse (ASPDs possess a pathological inability to experience these emotions, let alone acknowledge they did something wrong).

When my ex-friend ended our friendship the first time she denied that she had done anything hurtful toward me because she experienced a reduction in her stress symptoms…in other words, her strategy, no matter what collateral damage was incurred, had worked for her, so who gave a stuff about my feelings? She did not care that she had destroyed me emotionally because she had perfected the art of apathy. Needless to say, she never apologised to me. Knowing that she did not care about me messed with my head. A simple apology would have benefitted me so much at the time because it would verify to me that she cared about how I felt. Her lack of apology and justification of her behaviour (she actually also denied ever ending friendship even when I had the email to prove it) demonstrated to me that she could not care less about me. Never before have I had such a good friend treat me as though I was utterly worthless like she did when she chose to ignore my pain and justify her extreme behaviour.

When people do not apologise, this is a good sign that they do not care about you. Instead, they value never being wrong. To acknowledge they made a mistake would be too much for them to handle. It requires maturity and healthy boundaries to apologise. Personality disordered individuals like my OCPD ex-friend, lack emotional maturity and bend boundaries to suit their ever changing moods.

For people to admit they are wrong, they first need to have insight into their own behaviour and how it affects others. No insight should always be a deal breaker.

12. Good sense of humour: For a friend to have a good sense of humour does not mean they have to be hilarious or quick witted. It means that they can appreciate that life doesn’t always have to be serious. Life can be really difficult sometimes. At the moment my colleagues and I are waiting every day to hear whether we too have lost our jobs under the new government’s “restructuring” (a euphemism that means they are culling jobs like there is no tomorrow) plan. Some colleagues have already lost their jobs and morale is sometimes low while we wait to find out if we are next. Tough times can be balanced with good humour by seeing the funny side of the scenario.

Friends that possess a good sense of humour allow us to ‘let our hair down’, to have fun and to be funny! 😀

13. Can effectively manage stress: It’s an odd concept to me that people will often say they feel that being in a relationship helps “balance” or “even” them out. My ex-friend even once said the same thing to me about our friendship. Rest assured that this is not a good sign and try not to be too flattered if someone says this to you. It just means that they cannot handle life’s stressors without relying on your relaxed mood to chill them out. By the same token, if they rely somewhat on your influence to help them relax when you are just being your usual calm self, you will probably also be rejected by this person during times when you are feeling a little stressed because you no longer providing them with comfort and you will cease to have the mood stabilising effect they have come to rely on.

We all need to develop the ability to self-soothe in adaptive and sustainable ways (ie without relying on anyone to do this for us) when we are stressed. When people cannot effectively manage stress, they can be very volatile and stressful people to be around. They allow themselves to be controlled by their own anxieties and will push you around with their fear if you give them half a chance.

Common maladaptive ways that people cope with stress include substance abuse, gambling, sexual addiction, crime, blame, trying to control others, shutting down, overeating, starving oneself, impulsive spending, getting into a new relationship rapidly, terminating relationships and so on.

14. Has empathy: Unless a friend has the ability to see things from other people’s perspectives instead of their own very narrow and extremely limited experience, then they will never properly understand you and are likely to be judgmental and critical. A person who has empathy can ‘take a walk in your shoes’ so to speak. They have the ability to see your situation from your perspective though they may never have had a similar experience, nor may they have responded to an experience in a similar way. Regardless, when empathic, they can non-judgementally gain some insight and perspective into your world without being you.

You can tell if a friend lacks empathy if they criticise your feelings or decisions because they would not have felt the same way in a similar situation, nor would they have made a similar choice. A lack of empathy will destroy any relationship. Get out as soon as you can.

15. Both shares of themselves and listens to you: I realised very early on in the relationship with my ex-friend that she would only ever ask me questions to set the stage for talking all about herself. I would try to answer her questions and while I was talking she would cut in and start on a tangent about the thing that was already on her mind. She had an agenda for any question that she posed…it was always just so she could talk about herself. She would rarely listen when I spoke about my life, but she had mastered turning every conversation into how it related to her. Boring!

16. Not a victim nor an island: People who habitually present themselves as victims have major psychological issues, as do people who believe they are independent and do not need others for anything, ever. It’s good to be independent, but at an extreme level, this is just another name for having rigid boundaries, commonly known as ‘walls’

I hope this post has been useful in assessing your friendships and perhaps relationships.

This list comprises the very minimum requirements in what a friend should possess to be a ‘true friend’. And remember, to have such a friend, you need to be that same kind of friend.

Please sign up to my blog to help me educate the world about personality disorders. Tell your loved ones all about it. Post links on Facebook or Twitter! Help me get the word out. Understanding personality disorders may be the missing piece of the puzzle that your friend or loved one has been searching for.

Thanks for reading! 🙂

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